This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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