I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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