Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
