I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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