I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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