An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
