I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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