Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
