I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
