i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Someone shattered a urinal.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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