I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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