need another drink. this is the easiest way
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
