its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
3 2 1 whiskey
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
