Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
