Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
