My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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