dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
