Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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