This dress was meant to end up on your floor
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
