I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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