Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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