8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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