The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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