Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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