I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
