If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
