I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
