I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
