i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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