She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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