I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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