If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
this is an emotional support booty call
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
