I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
