He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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