yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
