My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize