I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
