thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
