Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
