Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
