Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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