I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
