my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize