Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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