No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
