I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
