how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
