Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
