then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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