I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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