All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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