I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I could make wine with my vomit
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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