Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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