If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Randomize
