Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
