Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
