The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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