non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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