Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
