I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
