life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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