1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
