he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
