I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
