Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
