Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
