yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm passing your future prison.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
